


FCGB - Blue Lions Chat Fic

by Pras



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Multi, attempted angst??, barely angst i dont write angst i write idiots, blue lions centric bc I HAVENT SEEN ANY CRACK REP YET, no one dies???? look theyre in the monastery but they have phones and theyre stupid, probs ooc i literally made an ao3 account just so yall could suffer in what i made, thats it thats the plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2020-09-07 12:41:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20309665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pras/pseuds/Pras
Summary: Sylvain: I MADE THIS FOR US AND UR TEARING THIS FAMILY APARTDedue: *you’reSylvain: blocked.Dedue: Wait, I request that you unblock me.Sylvain: unblockedDedue: Bitch





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've ever published something for people to read. I hope yall just have fun and enjoy this class with one brain cell instead of thinking about how everyone dies. Feedback welcome! -P

**Sylvain Jose Gautier created “FCGB”**

**Sylvain Jose Gautier has added Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd, Dedue Molinaro, Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Ingrid Brandl Galatea, Mercedes Von Martritz, Ashe Ubert, and Annette Fantine Dominic to the chat**

Sylvain: H-Hewwo???

Felix: god just kill me now

Dimitri: Sylvain, what is this?

Sylvain: Groupchat babey!!!!

Dedue: How have you managed to only say three words and still only spell correctly 33% of the time

Ashe: damn,,,get you a man who can do percentages <333

Dedue: 

Ingrid: What does FCGB mean

Sylvain: Fuck Crests Get Babies

Annette: :0

Felix: what the hell is that

Annette: It’s an emoticon!!! How have you not seen one before!!!!

Felix: while you were busy making faces online i was busy studying the blade

Dimitri: I

Ashe: so we’re all really gonna ignore fuck crests get babies huh

Ingrid: I’ve mastered the art of ignoring anything Sylvain says

Felix: I don’t read stupid things

Dimitri: You get used to it

Sylvain: WH HEY

Sylvain: I MADE THIS FOR US AND UR TEARING THIS FAMILY APART

Dedue: *you’re

Sylvain: blocked.

Dedue: Wait, I request that you unblock me.

Sylvain: unblocked

Dedue: 

Sylvain: JKLGFDJLK THIS IS ILLEGAL

Ashe: f in the chat to pay respects

Ingrid: f

Annette: f

Felix: f

Dimitri: f?

Mercedes: f!

Annette: mercie!!!!!!

Mercedes: annie!!!!!!

Felix: they have cute nicknames for each other,,,gross

Ashe: you’re dating dimitri?

Felix: who??

Dimitri: WH

Felix: sorry i dont date people who BREAK my WEAPONS

Dimitri: ONE TIME!!!

Dimitri: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! I APOLOGIZED AND BOUGHT YOU DINNER!!!!

Felix:

Dimitri: :((

Dedue: F for your highness

Ingrid: f

Sylvain: f

Ashe: f

Dimitri: no

Mercedes: f

Annette: f

Dimitri: ive been slandered...i dont deserve the respect anymore

Felix: good

Ashe: now that thats over

Ashe: its APPRECIATE my PARTNER O CLOCK

Dimitri: hey siri, how do i disappear for like five years

Sylvain: ooh you should like. Get an eyepatch or something

Dimitri:...why would i get an eyepatch

Sylvain: idk dude the edge factor??

Ashe: ANYWAYS!!!

Ashe: I love my big boyfriend bc he’s really soft and i love when we spend time together in the kitchen uwu

Ingrid: maybe a bitch feels god in this chilis tonight???

Dedue: Perhaps I love my small boyfriend because he has always been extremely patient and understanding with me during the difficult times

Dedue: Whenever I see him smile, I wish to do everything in my power to keep that expression on his face

Ashe: aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAasdfd

Sylvain: and i oop-

Sylvain: reading this makes me feel so lonely huh

Sylvain: hey ingrid

Ingrid: no

Sylvain: understandable

Annette: ooh! I wanna say smth!!!

Annette: I love Mercie because she always brightens up my day no matter whats happened before! And she’s so kindhearted and seeing her help people makes my heart feel like its gonna burst because shes always so genuinely happy to help people

Mercedes: I love Annie because of how hardworking she is! Nothing makes me happier than seeing her pour her soul into learning new things and achieving them

Mercedes: i feel like I was blessed by the goddess :)

Sylvain: lets go lesbians lets go!!

Ingrid: hold on a moment

Ingrid: what about dumbass 1 and dumbass 2?

Sylvain: I thought..i was dumbass :(

Felix: youre gonna have better luck killing me than getting me to say stuff like that here

Dimitri: gonna have to throw me off this bridge yourself

Felix: we’ll be back goatman

Felix: after all, this is our bridge now

Dedue: I...am missing something here.

Ashe: dont worry about it

Annette: i cant lie that was incredibly coordinated

Annette: Mercie why cant we finish memes like that :(

Mercedes: because then we’ll be like them

Dimitri: ow

Sylvain: OKAY while that was pretty good you cant get out of this!!!!

Felix: yeah i can

Sylvain: how

Felix: watch this

**Felix Hugo Fraldarius has kicked Sylvain Jose Gautier out of the chat!**

**Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd has added Sylvain Jose Gautier to the chat!**

Felix: honestly boar?

Sylvain: alright...ill concede…

Dimitri: oh that was an accident

Sylvain: what

Dimitri: We tried to kick him at the same time it seems

Sylvain: NO

**Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd has kicked Sylvain Jose Gautier out of the chat!**

Ingrid: nice

Felix: nice

Ashe: nice

~

**Manbun > Fettucine**

Manbun: Sorry

Manbun: you know how i get with...that stuff

Fettucine: Felix…

Fettucine: I understand, you don’t have to explain yourself

Manbun: No! Stop acting like its okay when its not!

Manbun: I want to be able to do normal stuff with you but 

Manbun: Ugh, this is a stupid excuse

Manbun: i know we’re both trying really hard

Manbun: but i just hate the idea of having other people see me like that

Fettucine: You don’t have to force yourself into anything you’re uncomfortable with

Manbun: ugh but...

Fettucine: Besides

Fettucine: I like it better when its just the two of us :)

Manbun: h

Manbun: you cant just! Say that!!!

Manbun: H

Fettucine: <3

Manbun:...

Manbun: <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lady Knight: What the hells a bofa  
Reason Lesbian: its that one drink with the pearls

**Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd added Sylvain Jose Gautier to the chat!**

Dimitri: SUP BITCHES

Dimitri: oh wrong phone

Sylvain: SUP BITCHES

Felix: WHY DO YOU HAVE MY PHONE

Ashe: huh

Dimitri: CAUSE FUCK YOU THATS WHY

Felix: hey idiot give dimitri his phone back before his brute hands break mine 

Sylvain: you like his yaoi hands tho dont u

Ingrid: i wish for nothing more than to uppercut you to heaven’s gate

Mercedes: good morning everyone :D

Annette: good morning!

Dedue: @Annette @Mercedes would you two like to join ashe and i in the dining hall? We just finished cooking breakfast

Ashe: If you come quickly we can save you the good stuff before everyone else gets here!

Annette: on our way!

Mercedes: Oh, why did I just see Felix running down the hall? Is there an emergency?

Dimitri: HUH

Ingrid: should have just returned the phone

Dedue: You opened this can of worms, now lay in it.

Ingrid: That, is definitely not how the saying goes

Dedue: I am aware. But I also overheard Petra saying it once

Dedue: I hope it haunts you as much as it haunted me

Ingrid:

Ingrid: yeah actually

Dimitri: GUYS ENOUGH WITH THE WORMS

Dimitri: AM I GONNA DIE

Felix: probably

Dimitri: ARE YOU FELIX OR DIMITRI

Felix: I wouldnt know. We’re only using one phone afterall

Dimitri: WHERE IS HE

Dimitri: IM TOO HANDSOME TO D

Ashe: he got em midsentence

Sylvain: got your phone, boar

Felix: thank you :)

Mercedes: perhaps we should say a word for sylvain’s untimely departure

Ashe: a word

Mercedes: your words of defiance bring me ungodly amounts of rage

Annette: 

Sylvain: I lived bitch

Dimitri: damn :/

Sylvain: ANYWAYS

Sylvain: before I was RUDELY Interrupted

Felix: you definitely deserved it

Sylvain: MY CURTAINS FELIX???

Sylvain: THEY DID NOT DESERVE IT

Dedue: What did he do

Felix: Not important

Felix: Continue

Sylvain: we should have nicknames

Annette: some of us already do??

Sylvain: CHAT nicknames!!!

Ingrid: idk if I can trust you with the ability to change our names

Ashe: wait i volunteer!

Sylvain: yea dude!! Go for it!!!

**Ashe Ubert has changed Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd to Tired!**

**Ashe Ubert has changed Felix Hugo Fraldarius to Wired!**

Annette: god...power duo…

Tired: huh

Wired:...you win this time

**Wired has changed Sylvain Jose Gautier to Silence, Bottom**

Silence, Bottom: I AM NOT!!!

Tired: silence, bottom.

Silence, Bottom:

**Annette Fantine Dominic changed Mercedes von Martritz to Faith Lesbian!**

**Faith Lesbian changed Annette Fantine Dominic to Reason Lesbian!**

Ashe: thats so cute im crying

Silence, Bottom: in this house we love and support our magic lesbians

Ingrid: black eagles could never

Ashe: kjkldfilkjsf

Reason Lesbian: Oh!

**Reason Lesbian changed Ingrid Brandl Galatea to Horse Lesbian!**

Reason Lesbian: Oh

Horse Lesbian: say sike right now

Silence, Bottom: ijm pissing kjfd

Reason Lesbian: Im sorry!!!! It sounded better in my head!!!!

**Dedue Molinaro changed Horse Lesbian to Lady Knight!**

Lady Knight: :o

Lady Knight: this is so cute im crying in the club

Dedue: I’m glad that you like it

Silence, Bottom: why does she get a normal name!

Lady Knight: silence bottom.

Wired: bottoms dont have the right to get a normal name

Silence, Bottom: thanks for your sacrifice felix

Wired:

Silence, Bottom: wait please

Wired: :)

Tired: f

Silence, Bottom: NO F DONt

Lady Knight: f

Ashe: f

Dedue: f

Reason Lesbian: f

Faith Lesbian: f

Silence, Bottom: say sike right now,

Reason Lesbian: we still need to give Ashe and Dedue names!!!!

Silence, Bottom: AND IGNORE MY PLEAS TO LIVE???

Ashe: Yea!!!

Dedue: Yes.

Ashe: oh sylvain it was nice knowing you

Faith Lesbian: *banging fists on table* power couple!!

Ashe: WAIT

Ashe: DONT FUCKIN DO ANYTHING

Dedue: Language.

**Ashe Ubert changed Ashe Ubert to Bofa!**

**Ashe Ubert changed Dedue Molinaro to Knock Knock!**

Knock Knock: Ashe…

Lady Knight: What the hells a bofa

Reason Lesbian: its that one drink with the pearls

Bofa: DEDUE

Bofa: i dont feel right doing this to Ingrid :(

**Faith Lesbian changed Bofa to Rat Boy!**

Rat Boy: why :((

Faith Lesbian: grey...soft…

Rat Boy: :’)

Knock Knock: at least you’re a cute rat

Rat Boy: dedue ilysm but please dont call me a rat when ur trying to be affectionate

Knock Knock: Understandable, have a good day.

Rat Boy: <3

Silence, Bottom: wait are we gonna talk about dedue’s name tho

Knock Knock: You must follow the instructions

Silence, Bottom:...who’s there

Knock Knock: sawcon

Silence, Bottom: sawcon who

Rat Boy: sawcon these nuts

Lady Knight: I

Tired: how have any of you survived to this point

Reason Lesbian: God won’t let me die!

Silence, Bottom: thats the spirit!

Tired: wow

Reason Lesbian: you know i heard the professor say that once

Reason Lesbian: they were grading papers at their desk and then i guess they read the right one

Reason Lesbian: because they put all the papers down, stood up and muttered that as they walked away

Lady Knight: oh the poor fool who turned in that paper

Faith Lesbian: Dimitri, are you with Felix right now :o?

Tired: oh, no im not

Tired: i was gonna go look for him and try to stop him from getting to Sylvain

Silence, Bottom: what do you mean u were going to

Tired: but i got roped into some weird conversation with Claude and Edelgard

Tired: they kept talking about those weird sandwiches

Tired: the ones without crusts or whatever

Rat Boy: god i had to get so many of those for my siblings when we were little

Reason Lesbian: i love those!!!

Tired: anyways i cant stop thinking about it

Tired: because of the way edelgard worded it…

Tired: it was so weird i

Knock First: What did she say?

Tired: She was talking about how she didn’t like them...but she said

Tired: and I quote:

Tired: “The crusts are to blame”

Tired: theres no crust tho…..

Lady Knight: Its the little crimped part!!!! Its weird!!!!

Rat Boy: I REFUSE to sit here and listen to this SLANDER

Faith Lesbian: i guess we have to cancel edelgard :(

Silence, Bottom: 

Wired: you little shit where the hell did you go

Silence, Bottom: Hey! I am OLDER than you!!! Respect

Wired: fine

Wired: you old shit where the hell did you go

Silence, Bottom: Thank you. I’m not telling you uwu

Wired: 

Rat Boy: OH!

**Rat Boy has changed Knock First to WWDDD!**

WWDDD: ?

Rat Boy: What Would DeDue Do

Tired: thats pretty good actually

Wired: im this close

Faith Lesbian: maybe you should let sylvain go, felix

Faith Lesbian: after all, you DID just go after him the day before

Reason Lesbian: and the day before that!

WWDDD: And last week too, I believe

Rat Boy: you got a pretty full schedule don’t you

Wired: what am I supposed to do now, agree?

Tired: normally yeah

Wired: well house fraldarius doesnt raise quitters

Lady Knight: i respect that

Tired: love, perhaps we should go out and do something together instead? I miss your company :)

Tired: FUCK GO BACK

**Tired has deleted a message!**

Silence, Bottom: what the fuck,,,

Wired: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wired: do NOT

Silence, Bottom: i cant even make fun of that??

Silence, Bottom: i feel like my crops have flourished

Faith Lesbian: like my skin is cleared

Rat Boy: my anxiety is cured

Reason Lesbian: im hydrated to the max

Tired: while that was an

Tired: impressive...team effort im just gonna

**Tired has closed the chat for 24 hours!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeehaw


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reason Lesbian: you got daddy issues AND worm issues???
> 
> Wired: one day you will be at the hands of the goddess and she will not show you any mercy

Silence, Bottom: Wakey wakey eggs and bakey

Reason Lesbian: what if i was a vegetarian

Silence, Bottom: wakey wakey vegetables

Lady Knight: :/

Tired: hey you guys know that feeling you get when you’re angry??

Wired: anger

Tired: no

Faith Lesbian: good morning everyone! I hope you are all taking care of yourselves!

Reason Lesbian: im crying what am i supposed to do?? Say no???

Wired: i refuse to take care of myself

Wired: im gonna run on adrenaline and coffee until i pass out on the training grounds

Silence, Bottom: hey man it was just a suggestion

Silence, Bottom: like drinking eight glasses of water a month

Rat Boy: a day

Silence, Bottom: ashe come on

Silence, Bottom: this is not the time for jokes

WWDDD: I am highly concerned for all of your health

Lady Knight: yeah i dont know how they’ve made it this far either

Tired: sorry to interrupt whatever this is

Tired: but has anyone seen the professor lately? I have a message for them from seteth

Silence, Bottom: have you tried looking in your pasta hair

Tired: what would you do if i hit you with a hammer on the back of your head as hard as i could on accident

Tired: would you be mad

Wired: mood

Rat Boy: okay enough of your weird, vague threats

Rat Boy: onto the IMPORTANT TOPIC of the day

Reason Lesbian: the ITOD, if you will

Rat Boy: i didnt say shit about pancakes what are you talking about

Reason Lesbian: Im gonna destroy you

Rat Boy: ANYWAYS (AGAIN)

Rat Boy: @WWDDD

Rat Boy: would you still date me if I was a worm :(

WWDDD: you would be housed in the finest flowers and dirt of duscur

Lady Knight: this conversation just slapped me and called me single

Silence, Bottom: get you a man who’ll unconditionally love you in worm form

Tired: @Wired would you still date me if i was a worm?

Wired: i’d stomp you into the ground with the force of 1000 suns

Tired: :^(

Silence, Bottom: lmao do you remember when we were younger and you cried cause you were trying to find some flowers for dimitri and you accidentally touched a worm

Tired: :^)

Reason Lesbian: you got daddy issues AND worm issues???

Wired: one day you will be at the hands of the goddess and she will not show you any mercy

Faith Lesbian: Dimitri, you said you needed to find the professor earlier :o

Faith Lesbian: what did you need to tell them?

Tired: oh yeah

Tired: he says that they can’t keep wearing that one hat when they go fishing

Lady Knight: the fear one or the milf one?

Rat Boy: the WHAT one

Silence, Bottom: Claude gave the professor a milf hat

Silence, Bottom: said it stands for Man I Love Fishing

Rat Boy: thanks! I hate it

Rat Boy: whats the other one then

Wired: This

Wired: 

WWDDD: ah, a warrior’s outfit

Reason Lesbian: fsjdkfhsdkh NO

Faith Lesbian: okay but hear me out on this guys

Reason Lesbian: is it gonna be fish earrings-

Faith Lesbian: fish earrings

Reason Lesbian: you’re so gay, Mercie

Reason Lesbian: ily tho <3333

Rat Boy: HEY

Rat Boy: no home of phobia

Rat Boy: in my GOOD, WHOLESOME CHURCH

Silence, Bottom: good?

Lady Knight: wholesome??

Rat Boy: wait i had a meme for this hold on

Rat Boy: lesbians when they see any two matching objects that could be earrings

Rat Boy: 

Wired: heads up im pretty sure claude stole dimitris phone so idk

Lady Knight: why is everyone stealing his phone now???

WWDDD: I suspect we’ll have a visitor soon then

Tired: oh shit what’s this lmao

Wired: speak of the devil and he shall appear

Tired: hey please do not be mean to me

Tired: any aggression towards me means you’re home of phobic

Rat Boy: hell yea

Tired: anyways this came to me in a vision and dimitri won't do it so i am doing the goddess’ work

**Tired has changed Tired to Bėȃnin**

**Tired has changed Wired to eĒė**

**Tired has changed Lady Knight to Mₘmn**

**Tired has changed Silence, Bottom to ćhȉ**

Bėȃnin: my work here is done

Mₘmn: ive never done any drugs in my life but if i did i think it would feel like this moment

Ćhȉ: yeah i don’t know what I was expecting but it definitely wasn’t that

WWDDD: while i hate to interrupt this moment

WWDDD: i believe it is currently time for us to head to the training grounds with the professor

Faith Lesbian: oh i forgot completely about that!

Mₘmn: yes i’d prefer not to look at these...nicknames any longer

**Mₘmn has closed the chat!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Realizing that I haven't updated this fic since Three Houses came out a year ago whoops! But also the one year anniversary just happened so I will continue my trend of only updating once a year because i am an Awful person <33


End file.
